Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
