so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
