I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
