I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
