**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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