I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize