it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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