I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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