Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
