Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
