I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
