Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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