What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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