how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
