There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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