shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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