Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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