oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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