i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
