I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
