He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
