Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
