Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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