my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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