i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
