Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
