So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
