She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
