My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
