I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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