I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
