$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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