like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
