I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
