I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
