White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
