never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
