I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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