Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
