dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
