He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
