it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
