I accidentally had phone sex last night
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
