Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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