haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
