She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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