Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
