regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
