I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
