remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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