You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
