so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
