It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
