Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
