I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I supernannyed him into submission
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
