Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
