okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
