The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
