am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
