There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize