My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
