Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
