i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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