We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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